IRISH PUBS ARE universally regarded as among the best in the world.

But there’s always room for improvement.

Pubs, we beg you to consider implementing these measures.

Please.

1. Broadcast a live webcam feed from inside the pub so we can check in on the seat situation before heading out

Because there’s nothing worse than walking around a pub and harassing people as to whether seats are taken or not.

2. Or indeed have an outdoor sign alerting us to the availability of tables inside

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“3 TABLES VACANT”

It works for car parks. Why not for pubs?

Huh? Huh?

3. Refuse to give us cashback after a certain hour

We appreciate you giving us cashback. Really, we do.

But asking us if we want cashback and watching as we pick an arbitrary figure from the air (“Eh, 50?”) is not good for us.

If you would just refuse to give us cashback after a certain point – after midnight, say – it would drastically improve our finances.

4. Keep it down with the loud music

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We go to the pub to drink pints and talk absolute shite. It’s hard enough to hear over the swarm of other punters talking shite. Add music into the equation and it’s nearly impossible.

You don’t want us to wake up with a sore throat, do you?

5. Have a little symbol outside denoting whether they have (a) a snug and (b) a fireplace

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For those wintry evenings, you know yourself. 

6. Cut out the middle man and sell us food

Eliminate the need to go get takeaway after a night out and just sell us food.

Just imagine — toast, chips, kebabs, sausage rolls.

What a world it would be.

7. Keep a little cane/pointing device on the bar so we can point to what we want

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There’s nothing worse than leaning over a bar and trying to yell at a barman what you want. God forbid if your order is any way complicated.

A little cane — a pointing device, if you will — to show the barman what we want would both save our voices and rapidly speed up the process.

*points at bottle of wine in fridge, winks*

8. And invest in one of these…

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For the dreaded Guinness farts.

*pinches nose*

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